Yes, I have decided today. I have decided not to go to Canada until I finish my under graduation here.
I was thinking about this issue for the past one month almost. I was telling myself that Canada has better career perspective for me. I may need to put many effort again in Canada, in a new environment to get my chances; however, I believe as long as I put my genuine efforts and my above average (?) intelligence, I can always stand out no matter where I am. But if it is the same logic, it should work here too.
I was just making reason for myself. It is a contradiction. I know career wise was not the reason that I want to leave. It is something else. It is something that I want to run from it. I afraid to face it anymore. It is like you know you are going to lose, but even a single line of word gives you hope: you hope you can succeed. So I had decided to leave, to give myself sometime to heal the pain and hurt.
It is of the same reason that I want to stay now. Today I feel the hope again. I don’t know if it is just some illusions, but I want to bet on it again. I think destiny won’t be so cruel to me.
I thought I have passed my feeling. I thought finally I have managed to control and hide my heart from more hurt. But I realized today, the feeling are still so strong, the feelings are still so real…it still matters to me that deeply. I tried to wipe it out from my heart, but seemed it had hidden some places inside my heart where I have missed :).
I just don’t want to regret that I have not tried my best. There must be a reason for it and I believe it must be a good reason!