Why do I feel being stabed in my heart?

I really wonder if one day I die, will she bother to give me one drop of tear, or she only comments as "got many better things to do in life…"; but she can never imaging how much I miss her even I can not see her for one single day!
I feel she never cares about me. She never cares what I felt or what happened to me.
But why should she? I am just torturing myself with wishful thinkings…
I know, I know I am the one creating problems for myself. I am just too stupid and stubbon to let it go. I tried, but I know I never succeed. I am still keep trying.
I know I care about her. I care about her feeling. I care what happened to her…but I also care about myself. I felt I never moved any closer to her.
Professional, yes, only professional. Work and only work. That is the only topic she would be interested in talking with me.
Aya…I do not expect much from you, but it is not neccessary to hurt me right?
Gosh, I still have so much work to do, why am I typing nonsense here?

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