The clock just ticked at 1:00am. I had checked my email account one last time before I climbed on my bed. – One more day has been passed – If I light a candle for each of the remaining days, every passing day I would be left with one candle less. One hope less.
Morning, 6:30am, the first thing I would do when I got up was to check my email. First thing I would do when I reach office? You guessed it right – check my emails. Everything has always been in hurriedness: people talking, email, meeting, lunch and phone calls. Now, I don’t know whether I have become absent minded, someone has pressed the button to forward the world at x4, or even sometime x8 speed. The Sun dashes away before it even made its presence. Or perhaps, I didn’t want to notice it.
If you guess that I am waiting for a romantic letter from a faraway love, you are mistaken. It is a letter of ultimate importance: my MBA application reply. The waiting is killing me. Couple of weeks back, I got to know that I didn’t get through one of my application: “no problem, there are still two more.” But the other side of my brain would feel that my heart is sinking. It is a feeling I just can’t fumble a word to describe it. For the all the generous support I have received, all the kind words and encouragement, all the expectation, I am really scared of failure. The imagination of humiliation scares me.
I felt in this way many other times in my life. But none had been as strong as the current sentiment. I know my application may not be the best, but among all the work pressures that is the best I can possibly delivery. My expectation also rose with my continuous efforts. Same as other thousands of candidates, every minute I hope that I would get through, but I know I will get it only if I deserve it. I try all the way to think positively, but I just can’t shrug off the fear. It haunts me day and night. I don’t know how other people manage it, but to embrace failure gracefully needs more than courage.
More than what I thought before, I too, at times, scared of uncertainties in my life.